another day... another deployment.. in the life as an army wife

After a yo-yo'ing past few months, I am still unsure of what the future holds for our little family! But a quircky thing happened recently that I thought I would share for a little bit of enlightenment into our unique little lives.  

My fellow army-wife-friend was 'randomly selected' to partake in a survey for military spouses. One of the question asked was: "Do deployments get harder or easier to cope with?" After some contemplation she answered :"Harder".  Simple answer to a hard question, but that was not enough for the surveyors. The survey then prompted the following: "Please explain why coping with deployment has become more difficult. "

This was her answer.

                "Because it becomes tiring. I got married to be with my husband, not to have him gone all the time. As a couple we realize that this is a part of the army way of life but that doesn't make it easier. It is very hard and becomes harder every deployment to have to explain to your young children way daddy has to leave again. As a mother watching your child cry everyday wanting daddy, trying to get out the door to find daddy, breaks a mothers heart. You not only have to deal with your own grief but the grief of your child. And then to top it all off with the thought in the back of your head that you may never see him again, never smell him again, never hear him again. You pray every day that it won't happen and you have to know that, no news is good news. But when they are gone and someone comes to the door and you weren't expecting anyone, the first thought that goes through you mind is, "This might be it. This is the moment I have to tell my children they will never see their dad again.” even though you have promised everything will be okay. This is just what happens during the deployment. This doesn't include the stress that comes before or after a deployment. The fighting and bickering about everything and nothing. Before the deployment you are so stressed and worried about him leaving that everything becomes stressful. You fight over money, the kids, the fact that he is never home to spend time with you, and he is at work too much when that is time that he needs to be spending at home. When he leaves you go through about a week that you don't have the energy to do anything. The house doesn't get cleaned, you don't call anyone and the home is filled with pizza boxes, frozen foods, and every wrapper from fast food restaurants all around. Some days you don't even have energy to take a simple shower. After that, if you are smart, you get into a routine, a schedule that will keep you as busy as possible. You volunteer everywhere you can, you have play dates left and right, doctors appointments and your house because so clean that you can't find a speck of dirt in the house anywhere. Even the baseboards get a wipe down every couple of weeks. You make every meal and the dishes are always clean and put away. During all of this what is really going on? Well, you are trying not to think about anything that reminds you of him. You don't look at that side of the bed or his closet. You avoid looking at any pictures of him or any family pictures. Mean while you begin to forget him. You know that you have tried to block him out of you head so much that if something did happen to him, you wouldn't be able to picture him in your head. You begin to forget what he looks like, smells like, sounds like, and feels like. And it scares you, but you can't stop yourself because it is too hard to think about it. If you think about it you can't function. You can't take care of your kids or yourself. And if anything you have to be able to take care of you children. When they return home it seems to be the hardest. The two week of training they go through does help however it is not enough. You have a two week honeymoon phase were you are so happy to just have him home. After that come the extremes. He has been gone for 9, 12, or 15 months. He has had to do everything on someone else's time. He just wants to come home and relax, watch TV and not have someone telling him what he needs to do all the time. Meanwhile, what they fail to tell him when he comes home is that you are tired too. You have had many sleepless nights too. You just want to relax too. Instead, it is like picking up after another child. And I know from talking to many a wife that this is not just me complaining. He doesn't understand how hard it really has been, because while he is gone you have been playing "the good wife" on the phone. "No, honey, everything is fine, the kids are doing good." because you know that if you told him how really hard things were it could distract him and cost him his life. So, while the kids are coloring on all the walls, peeing on the floor, telling you, “no" every time you tell them to do something, screaming at you, throwing a temper-tantrum in the middle of the commissary because you won't let them get that sugary box of cereal and anything else you can think of that children can do, he assumes you are living a calm life. So, when he comes home he assumes that he is the only one that has had it ruff. I am not trying to compare war to a stay at home mom, but I am trying to tell you know the reality of how hard it really it. That maybe some of the training that they go through when they come home is giving them a reality check that moms need a brake too. Just help them to understand that, because, sometimes the stress of it all can sometimes become unbearable. We also have the reactions that our children have. The regressions and explosions of rage and sadness, sometimes for what you would think would be no reason at all. Remember the temper -tantrum in the commissary turns out it was because, “I hate you, I want my Daddy. Why can't my daddy come home?" One thing I have found is that the children and the moms get tired of each other and there are things that daddy give, that mommy can't. Sure we have the pre and post deployment briefings to help us know how our children are going to react to all of this but that is all we get. It kind of feels like, “Here you go, this is going to be your life, good luck with that.” Programs need to be set up for children to help them cope. We all know there is counseling available when it gets out of control, but why do we have to wait for it to get out of control before we can get help. To help reduce the stress of our children and the parent at home with them, there could be playgroups set up with a counselor there to monitor the children behavior and give tips on what to do. Or a Rent-a-dad, A program that could offer men, not in uniform, to just play with the children while the moms have a mom's area to sit, talk and drink a soda. Sometime kids just need to be thrown around, wrestle with and have someone that has the energy to play with them and chase them, or play catch. It is simple help to fix some if the aggression that these kids feel during a deployment. Deployments are hard. It is not just the time that they are gone but the whole cycle and as much as they are getting deployed right now we only have about 3 months of normal before it all starts over again. And through all of this each member of your family changes and when he returns you have to start that relationship from scratch again and learn who everyone is and how to communicate with them and as for parents how to parent again. Parenting skills change as the child changes and as a spouse you have to teach your solider how you now parent and how to manage the children. There is nothing easy about it and the more he leaves the more you feel like you're not even married to begin with, that he was just a roommate that helped you get pregnant and pays for the house, food and occasional shopping spree you go on (that you will later get reamed for) to release stress and get your mind off of things. Is saying goodbye easier? Sometimes, sure. Is talking to him on the phone easier? Sometimes, sure. Do you get used to living on your own? Sometimes, sure. But to say that sending your husband and the father to your children off to war gets easier, you are simply out of your mind.

Lucky for her, there was no limit on space for her answer!